It’s true. In just a fortnight, I shall be reuniting with all those people with whom I graduated from high school.
Facebook only makes the whole thing all the more weird.
Basically, there are all of these people on our class Fb page who apparently have a lot of investment in the whole “reuniting” thing. They also enjoy “memories” and talking about dead people.
So far, what’s most interesting about this whole experience is realizing how different my memories of high school are from those of my classmates (or at least from the memories of the folks who are blowing up our class’s Fb page). This is not to say that I had a bad time in high school. I totally didn’t. I enjoyed high school. I had fun. I wasn’t an outcast or bullied or unhappy. No, high school was fine.
But what I think is different about me vs. a lot of those people in my graduating class is that while I enjoyed high school, those years were certainly not the best years of my life. They were fun, and I had good friends. But you know what? I’ve made a lot of friends since then, and I’ve had a lot of fun since then. So what makes me weird is that I really and truly have no nostalgia for high school. And, really, I don’t remember a lot of it. Not in a “dude, I was so stoned!” way, nor in a “I was tripping through my whole junior year” way, nor in a “so and so’s house parties rocked!” way. Dude, I was the editor of my high school newspaper and I was in Latin club. I was not fucked up, in a chemical sense, except for on very rare occasions, in high school. No, I just don’t remember much of it because it wasn’t all that important to me.
So if I’m not nostalgic, then is my hope that I’ll “reconnect” with people? Nah, not so much. I figure that if I’m not in touch with you now then it’s that I don’t really care if I’m in touch. So not only do I not have a longing for the past, but I really don’t have some desire for a connection in the present with these people. As I said to my High School BFF, my feeling about what’s great about the whole “reunion” thing is that I won’t need to talk to anybody for more than 5-10 minutes.
So why am I going? I mean, seriously, if I don’t have the nostalgia, and if I don’t want to “reconnect”…. What is my point?
Honestly? I think that it’s because I want to sit in judgment. I think that I want to judge how all of us have turned out – I want to judge myself in relation to these people who come from where I come from, and I want to judge us all in relation to where I would hope that we would be. Yes, I’m judgmental.
The other thing that I think is motivating me is that I’m just curious. I’m curious to see who shows up and who doesn’t. I’m curious to see who’s an asshole still and who isn’t. I’m curious to see what people from then have become. Sure, it might be a morbid curiosity, but it’s curiosity.
But finally, it’s this: I’m really hoping that this experience will show me that I’m a grown-up. Last weekend, BES had a wedding reception-y thing (she had a really small wedding a few weeks ago; this was an after-the-wedding sort of thing), and she invited me, and I went, and while I was invited to go out with her parents and all the “old people” after, I somehow ended up going out dancing with all the 25-year-olds and then having a deep after-hours talk with BES about the state of the world and academia and heart-to-heart nonsense until 5 am and ending up sleeping on a bean-bag-chair until BES and Hubby of BES (HBES henceforth) drove me to my car in the morning. Because you know what? It was more fun to go dancing! And that’s great, sure, but at a certain point, shouldn’t I feel like it’s not more fun to go dancing than to go for a drink with the people who are grown-ups like me? And then to go home like a responsible person at 10:30 pm or something?
Clearly, I’m not there yet. Maybe I will get there if I see all the people who graduated from high school with me? Or, more likely, I’ll discover that it’s just fine that I am exactly as I am. Because seriously: I probably will never be a person who doesn’t want to go dancing. Maybe I need to accept that about myself.