I understand that the course of true academia does not run smoothe. I understand that there are snags and kerfuffles and miscommunications and problematic situations. And, for the most part, I accept all of that.
But I am motherfucking fucking done with this semester, for the following reasons:
1) When I object to sloppy argumentation in a grad student’s culminating project, it is not appropriate for my colleague to counter with, “but a lot of feminist scholarship does the same thing, so isn’t this bullshit ok?” (Note: what I said was, “um, it’s still sloppy argumentation. Yeah, I’m a feminist, but I’m a scholar first, and you can’t get me to back down by pulling the, “your sisters did this first” card. Because I don’t give a shit if there is shitty feminist scholarship that you want to cite as a precedent for this shitty scholarship – it’s still shitty, and I, as a feminist, refuse to sign off on it. Fuck you and your full professor rank.)
2) No, my fucked up teaching schedule is not my fucking fault, even if I have innate curiosity and excitement about new things. It is not a matter of me needing to “figure out what I want to be when I grow up,” and yes, that is a direct quote from my chair. It’s even more clear that it’s not my fucking fault given my chair’s question today, after I gave him my “what I want to be when I grow up” schedule, about “whether I’d be interested” in teaching one course out of my field and another barely in my field in order not to have those courses deleted from the catalog . This immediately after I’d given him a two year rotation based on “what I want to be when I grow up,” as well as on what I was hired to do, and which I already have compromised on because “but we really need you to do x, y, and z because of all the things.) Note: I’ve got something like 11 preps over 4 semesters while many colleagues of mine have… um…. maybe 6. Also, let’s note, he didn’t ask those others whether they’d “be interested” in these dead fucking courses, even though they are precisely the people who can’t make enrollment and who aren’t contributing to our major.
3) I’m a bad teacher this semester. I’m not going to lie. I am. In two of four classes. You know why, though? Because workload in my world is not distributed equitably. And because I’m floundering and because I’m fucking my students over because I can’t handle it. And it sucks. And I don’t want to do it, but here I am. Fuck.
4) Drawing a line in the sand about what is “fair” isn’t necessarily what is just for faculty or what is best for students. I’m just saying. And it’s also not necessarily what’s best for a department. It is the path of least resistance, though. And that’s *grand* for conflict-averse administrators.
And with all of the above? I am now in a mode in which I am all about extricating myself from obligations and I’m all about taking care of myself. ‘Cause you know what? Why should I take care of anybody else? And I hate being so self-serving, and I hate being put in the position where I can’t do what’s best because doing the best means that I’m getting fucked over. I hate that I can’t do my best work, but rather that I have to protect myself instead.
It’s worth noting that even this is a privilege – a privilege of tenure – that I can tell people to fuck off for fucking me over or putting me in a position that is compromising. But I’m angry. What kind of privilege is the privilege of saying “go to hell?” What kind of privilege is the privilege of saying, “I hate you and I hate everything you stand for, or I hate everything about you because you refuse to stand for anything that matters?” That’s not a privilege. That’s garbage.
So I’m fed up. And I’m not playing this game anymore. And the only pleasure in that is that the people who want me to play this game will be in a bind when they realize that I refuse to play. And it sucks. Not only in my work-life, but also for students, who honestly deserve better. Well, at least “my” students will get better. But fuck the rest of them, and fuck my department. Because while I hate it, I’m nobody’s martyr. And no student would be best served by my being one.
Reassigned Time 2.0 
Just to say: absolutely. But you might also want to think about a grievance against your chair? About workload and schedule? Just saying…
Susan, it’s all going to go in the evaluation of him in spring… but I do like him as a person, so in the meantime? I’m just going to take him at his word. That it’s all about my choice and all about my decisions. And I will refuse every single thing that doesn’t fit into my master plan. And he can freaking deal with it.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, Dr. C.
I did read an article today that might help you defend your time if not now, then when this happens, as it will, again and again: Inside Higher Ed “Essay on Need for Tenured Faculty Members to Have Mentoring” or “Mid Career Malaise” (though perhaps MidCareer Anger is the more accurate title: http://www.insidehighered.com/advice/2011/11/28/essay-need-tenured-faculty-members-have-mentoring
Stacey, thanks for the link 🙂 In some ways, I’m absolutely not in a bad position, in that I was raised an only child (a) and that I grew up working class and so I have a certain sort of chip on my shoulder that makes me feel abused in the best of circumstances and on the defensive (b). In other words, I’m probably cool, as a person, in all of this. That said, I feel deep hatred about the fact that I’m in the middle of it, and I feel abused for being put in this position, which perhaps I wouldn’t if I weren’t working-class-female-only-child-person. (Contributing to my sense of entitlement here is the fact that I had a fancy PhD education in the Northeast, so I also feel like I educated myself out of the above, rightly or wrongly).
Whatever the case? I’m going to duke it out for myself in this situation and make those who thwart me choke on their own bile and blood. And I won’t think twice about that. What upsets me is the fact that I really want for this to be systemic change – and not just me bare-knuckling it for my own gain. I want for the fight to mean something more than my own advancement… I want for it to mean something broader. And I’m not sure that I can make that happen, and that makes me sad.
Oh, yeah. This was me all over last year (and a couple of friends), even if some of the particulars were a bit different. And it sounds like you’re in the same tough position that we were, because our cries of “I’m done with this shit!” lacks credibility, because everyone knows by now that it’s an empty threat: we care too much. It’s just who we are.
So yeah: we’re fuckedly fucked. But at least we’re not alone.
“but a lot of feminist scholarship does the same thing, so isn’t this bullshit ok?”
W. T. F.
I believe this would cause me to say “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??” to someone’s face, untenured, before my brain caught up with my instinct.
I called a student an asshole in class today. He was being an asshole.
People who are competent, conscientious, and team players always end up doing more than their “fair share”, unless they are extremely vigilant about saying “no”–in the right way, of course–*before* the shitte hittes the fanne. Much of your current dissatisfaction–and thatte of your students and chair–has arisen because you agreed to to do things that are (1) too much given the hours in the day and/or (2) too far outside your zone of expertise.
It is much easier–and better for you *and* your colleagues, students, and institution–to decline obligations in the first place than to extricate yourself from them after becoming fedde uppe and pissed offe.
True enough, CPP. I would say, though, that if as an administrator you are constantly putting agreeable, competent people in the position of saying no, then you’re doing something wrong, and you’re not really doing your job. I think the trick of being a good manager of people is actually managing them – rather than expecting them to do that work for you. It’s worth noting that all of the agreeable, competent people in my department are feeling this, and I feel like there might be a wide-scale mutiny unless some things change. It’ll be interesting to watch.
Very true. Nevertheless, people do not become academic department chairs because they have demonstrated any aptitude at management.
Oh man, I am SO buying you a drink at MLA, because this is how I’ve felt all freaking semester long, only for different reasons.
I really appreciate how you recognize the aspect of privilege in your position. For the first time, I have found myself in adjunct hell, thankful to just have a position each semester, even if the assignments are the worst possible classes/days/times, etc. I feel like I’ve compromised some of my teaching practices, at times, but it’s the thing that *has* to give if I’m going to be able to publish my way out of this position.
[…] This isn’t exactly a new insight of mine, but it is one that has been confirmed as this semester grinds to its close. And, luckily, I have been successful this semester in divesting myself of some major service responsibilities, and I have not been chosen for some other ones, and so for the first time since I earned tenure, I really am the master of my own destiny right now. This is not to say that I won’t be doing service – I will, but my “big” responsibility is going to be departmental, and it’s going to be much less intense than anything I’ve been doing since tenure. Think monthly meetings rather than weekly (or more) meetings. And my schedule is going to be entirely reasonable for the first time since my sabbatical. No more three classes back to back to back! No more Motherfucking Tuesdays! And I’m back to teachingliterature for the bulk of my teaching load! (Not that I hate teaching theory, or teaching writing, or teaching about the discipline in our intro the major class, but none of these was why I went to graduate school.) […]