Day Zero: Steve the Hot Plumber (henceforth known as StHP) contacts Dr. Crazy through the internet, expressing interest in her online dating profile. Dr. Crazy debates about whether to respond because of her general feelings about spelling, grammar, and punctuation, but ultimately she does because, eh, whatever. So they email, they text, they talk on the phone, and they agree to meet the next evening.
Day One – Courtship: Dr. Crazy meets StHP for a beer and they hit it off (ish. I mean, there is attraction, but there aren’t many common interests, and he’s not funny, but whatever). It’s an enjoyable evening, which ends with hugging and a chaste kiss, and when Dr. Crazy gets home they end up talking on the phone into the wee hours. She thinks that he is kind of dumb, but maybe she is just judgmental? Let’s see what happens.
Day Two – Boyfriend/Girlfriend (note: this is a designation I’m only making after the fact): Dr. Crazy and StHP go out, and things progress quite swiftly. Dr. Crazy thinks, “Well, that was unexpected, but what the heck? You only live once.”
Day Three – “Commitment”: Dr. Crazy goes over to StHP’s house and they hang out, he cooks her a cheeseburger, and they watch a movie. Dr. Crazy (secretly) exhibits poor, bored committed relationship behavior (though let’s note she didn’t know she was in a committed relationship) by texting with her ex-boyfriend during the movie, and then later when StHP has fallen asleep in his recliner, she checks her voicemail to find a phone message from that ex-boyfriend in which he says, “Hello, Dr. Crazy. (Seriously, he addressed me by my professional title, which is like a pet name for me from him.) I’m just calling because I haven’t talked to you in a few days and I miss your voice. I love you.” This makes Dr. Crazy feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Day Four – Breaking Up: Dr. Crazy had been very excited for weeks about seeing some bands play with her friends. VERY excited. Indeed, excited to the extent that she kept talking about it. Indeed, when she mentioned it that afternoon to StHP, he replied, “I know. You have told me that you’re doing this like a hundred times.” [Unrelated, but The Dude initiated a conversation about the show I was going to, saying that I must be so stoked that the day was finally here, and asking me all about it, and then telling me to say hello from him to my friends and joking that I shouldn't get too crazy but I should have a great time.] So just before the show, StHP texts me to tell me that I should come over after. I say that I’m not driving anyplace, and then he says he wants to see me on the weekend. I said we’d figure something out. And then my friends and I went into the show and I put away my phone. Worth noting, once we entered the venue we were in a cell phone dead zone, so no texts went through. I left the venue, and I texted StHP. He didn’t respond, which I felt was strange. Then, because I was out of the venue, additional texts came through. 1) Once again, he’d suggested I come over after. (Though I had thought that was already decided in the negative) 2) “So what do you think?”. 3) “Hello??????”. 4) “Well, I guess you’re just not interested. Fine. You could have told me that.” (Worth noting, I am totally correcting grammar and spelling in this recap.) So I wrote back once the increasingly anxious texts came through, and I was all, “I seriously wasn’t being a dick to you – I was in a cell phone dead zone!” (which let’s note- even if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have been looking at my phone) to which he responded, “I will not stand for being blown off! My ex-wife blew me off, and I shall never be blown off aGAIN!” to which I was all, “But I wasn’t blowing you off! I didn’t get the texts! I’d still like to see you this weekend!” and he was all “Ill be busy” (uncorrected for errors, just to give you a little taste of what he’s like). And I thought to myself, “Dude! I’ve been an asshole in actual ways that you could legitimately be pissed off at me for, but this is unjust! I didn’t even do anything!” But, alas, he is done with me, for I am a crazy bitch who had the audacity to go out with her friends (which he knew I was doing) and to be unavailable for approximately 4 hours.
First off, I’ve not had somebody break up with me with whom I didn’t know I was in a relationship since 1999. Second off, BULLET DODGED. Third off, what the hell? Fourth off, how do you have a whole relationship that lasts four days? (Apparently, now I know the answer to that.)
I am so, so glad that I never told him where I live. What a weirdo.
Also, apparently commitmentphobic unavailable fuckwits do have their strong points: they like it when you go out with your friends because you are leaving them alone. Indeed, they support my need for freedom! Except, of course, they also want me to be “free” when I don’t want to be. I’ve yet to solve that particular conundrum.
[Worth noting: Steve the Hot Plumber is not a pseudonym. It's just his name. Because if you've only been in my life for four days, you don't get the energy of me coming up with a pseudonym for you.]