First of all, I’m not in the depths of despair today. I haven’t been terribly productive, but I feel like the fact that I’m not feeling awful is a good step in the right direction.
But so anyway, the details of my current crisis aren’t really important. The big picture is that I’m turning 36 on Sunday, it’s ridiculously hot and humid outside, I am getting to the point in my next book project where it’s no longer fun and exciting and new and instead is sort of frustrating and overwhelming, and I’m alone, desperately alone. (That last part, while true, is phrased in that way to be funny.)
I think my recent angst has been coalescing around the whole “desperately alone” bit because for one of the few times in my life I actually do feel some anxiety about not being in a relationship. But wait. Rewind. I am in a relationship. Or was. Or am, but it’s clear for a number of reasons that I need to put myself out there and see other people, too, which is weird, but whatever. Anyway, the point is, I’ve been feeling angst about the fact that I am not in the sort of relationship where I’m actually sharing my life with another person. Me feeling that is actually pretty rare, as I’ve never been the sort of girl who’s a “boyfriend-haver.” Most of the time, I really don’t want a boyfriend. They’re annoying and they mean that I have to make compromises.
Except for when I do want a boyfriend. The last time I remember feeling like this the circumstances were wildly different. In the current set-up, I’ve been in a relationship that is very emotionally involved and intense, and we’re great friends. The last time this happened – which, weirdly, was also over the weekend of August 13, which I remember because on that Friday the 13th I made a wildly bad decision to fraternize with an ex who was seeing this other woman, and it was the weekend of my 25th birthday – basically that was the weekend that led me into a long-term relationship that was absolutely wrong for me, but I was sick of screwing around and I was feeling really bad about myself and so I felt like I really should settle down and get a boyfriend because then I could focus on taking comps and writing a dissertation instead of on screwing around with guys who didn’t really like me. But so now, I am very involved with a person, but I guess it’s sort of the same thing: I feel like I want to be settled and I’m not. And so. “Desperately alone.” Worried about the fact that I am not in a boyfriend-girlfriend-style relationship, and concerned that I might be alone forever.
The thing that I think I find frustrating, though, beyond the feeling that people should just do what I want them to do, is that I feel like there is this huge disconnect between the way my non-academic friends – and the non-academic world at large – conceive of this sort of stuff vs. the way that I do. For example. My friend J. got me this book for my birthday. Now, J. loves a self-help book. And, as such things go, this whole Love in 90 Days thing isn’t as awful as such books can be. It’s not about trying to use scare tactics about dying alone, and the advice is fairly obvious and, I suppose, if one really committed it and followed it that one would indeed find love in 90 days. I, however, will not be finding love in 90 days. Why? Because I am not willing to spend every waking moment thinking about and trying to catch a man. Doing journaling and taking classes (apparently one is supposed to try to take more advanced ones because men are more likely to sign up for advanced classes – gross) and volunteering (which I know it makes me a bad person but I have no interest in doing any volunteer work beyond the shit that is required for me to do as service) and saying hello to three strange men a day, always with a smile, and dating three different men at one time while not having sex with any of them…. It makes me out of breath just thinking about it. And it doesn’t sound like much fun. And, what I’d like to know is when I’m supposed to draft the manuscript of a book if I’m doing all of that? And I’d rather have a book manuscript than a boyfriend if a boyfriend requires all of that. Which, the book indicates, might mean that I’m not being honest with myself about my true needs and what will make me truly happy. Because how could anything other than a man make me truly happy?
Now, I’m not saying that I don’t want a partner or a relationship, but I don’t want to have to devote myself to getting that at the expense of every other thing in my life. The thought of that being more important than every other thing… I hate that. But those are the narratives out there. These narratives about “deserving” to find one’s soul mate, or about how one shouldn’t “waste her time” on somebody who’s not interested in a commitment, or about how there’s something wrong with you if you don’t make having a boyfriend your number one priority. That somehow you don’t really know yourself if you aren’t able to figure out the whole relationship thing (the Eat, Pray, Love school of thought that one must go on a “journey of self-discovery” and once you find yourself that you’ll magically find the love of your life). That is just not how I think about relationships. And as much as I might want a relationship that is fulfilling, I don’t want to become one of these stepford wife style people who thinks that a boyfriend is worth any freaking cost. Because I don’t believe that.
But see, then I wonder how much of my resistance is shaped by my academic training. I mean, do I even know what a “normal” or “satisfactory” relationship looks like anymore? I know tons of people who are in long-distance relationships that have no real likelihood of becoming non-long-distance, for example. For most people, that would be unacceptable. But for academics? We think that’s normal. And then there’s the whole sticking with a relationship long past the point when it is clearly not working. We learn how to do that in graduate school, folks. And during the academic job search. And during the tenure-track. We think that sticking with something that is really painful is the right thing to do, and, further, we think that we are failures if we don’t stick with it. And then there’s the tendency to intellectualize everything. That’s not good.
And yes, I do have a problem with dating somebody who doesn’t “get” my job. I’m not saying I need to be with another academic, but I do need to be with a person who does not do any of the following:
- say he has to “watch his grammar” around me the moment he finds out I’m an English professor.
- get all “ooh, you can be my teacher” when he finds out I’m a professor, in some sort of “Hot for Teacher“-style fantasy, which, eww.
- ask me to “grade” his performance, if you get my drift. And don’t act like that must have just been one weirdo, because seriously? That has happened to me more than once. And it’s totally disgusting and skeevy.
So where is the self-help book that shows how not to end up with that guy? Where is the self-help book that acknowledges that maybe it’s more important to write your book than to take classes where you might meet men? Where is the self-help book that thinks marriage and kids might not be the only possible goals for successful relationships?
These are the sorts of things I’m thinking about a lot lately. And I’m trying to figure out what it actually is that I do want, for the first time in a long time. And I think maybe sabbatical is in a lot of ways responsible for all of this navel-gazing, because for the first time in 7 years I have time to think, which you think before you’re doing it is this total luxury but then once you’re actually doing the thinking during that time it often sort of sucks.
Crazy, I think we should start the “we are not traveling and therefore have far too much time to be introspective about shit that keeps us from getting the damn work done AND having fun” sabbatical support group. My gf and I are dealing with all of the shit that is coming up for me as I have all this time to think, despair, angst, worry, and think some more. It is now officially sucking for both of us–she can consider that the joy of partnering with an academic.
So, if it weren’t the bf thing, I can assure you, it would be something else.
Doesn’t this remind you of dissertation?? Seriously, especially the alone-ness shit. And that has little to do with not being partnered, believe me. I am struggling with the same shit myself. I am wondering if that is what happens when we spend too much time alone, thinking, with no routine.
That was me, by the way. Dunno why it became LP.
I think I have only just now just figured out why I hate all of those kinds of books. You’ve nailed it on the head. It’s like excuse me for having a life…
I so totally hear you on the grossness quotient of “finding love in 90 days” given its requirements (at least, to me that is totally gross; you sound like you might be a little more tolerant of it than I am, even though you clearly feel you have better things to do). I absolutely believe that they way both to find love AND to enjoy the life you have is to do stuff you actually want to do, whatever that is. Want to take cooking classes, riding lessons, advanced Arabic, or whatever? Then do that, and no matter who else is there, you’ll learn to cook, ride, or speak Arabic. Want to write your book and play with your cats? Then do that, and whether or not you meet another writer (or editor) or nice vet, or other pet owner, you’ll have written a book and have happy, healthy cats. It may take longer to find the guy that way, but IMHO it gives better odds on eventually finding someone truly compatible. I guess some people are less set on “truly compatible” than I am/was, and it’s easier for them to find somebody, but I think many of us academic-types are “weird” that way (and I include men like Sir John in that category, though he’s not an academic). I hope this doesn’t sound smug: I love being married but only because Sir John IS who he is; having a guy around just to have a partner would not be worth the trouble, even though I feel like I was not especially good at being single and even worse at dating. I sincerely and un-smugly hope that you can find/continue to enjoy happiness of all kinds in your life. (Damn, I hope this doesn’t sound patronizing. I mean to be sympathetic, not to make it sound like I think this is easy, or anything. Cuz it’s not, & I sure had a lot of crummy days such as you describe when I was in my 30s.)
Re academics and relationships: I think there is also something about more “distant” (whether physical or emotional) relationships that can be supportive at times. Academic life asks us often to shut everyone out and really buckle down to make things happen with short little bursts of extra-curricular activity. We cultivate these relationships because that is what works and protects our space. But, we don’t really learn how to cultivate the “normal” relationship and find ourselves toggling back and forth between wanting a normal relationship or feeling like doing so would be a royal pain to our current life.
Yes, yes, yes. I agree with Dame Eleanor Hull about doing things that make you happy. So, the self-help books have a point to the extent of encouraging a certain amount of balance and seeking out things you enjoy (rather than sitting home and sulking about not having a BF, for example — which you are not doing!!). But the whole point then is that you are living your life, and maybe you’ll meet someone along the way, rather than you are trying to meet someone at any cost.
That’s where I think being an academic messes you up: you’re supposed to work **all the time.** We’re not supposed to have balance, and our work is in many ways solitary, so it’s that much harder to take that class or take up that hobby, even if you would enjoy it. And there are a lot of men (people?) who react in a really creepy, gross way to academic (professional?) women. I’d also like a book to tell me how to not end up with *that* guy. Meeting yet another version of him usually makes me feel pretty good about being alone though. . .
Hang in there girl. First off, an early happy birthday. Second, it will happen when it happens. I learned that myself. Decided to not focus on finding my “true love” and then I found him. Rather ironic, isn’t it. You do need to get out more if you feel like you need to be more social. There is nothing wrong with that. Just keep things casual without the air of expectation and that’s when the magic tends to occur.
Oy. Yes to just about everything in this post. I would like to be in a relationship, but only in the abstract, and when it comes right down to it, I just don’t feel like spending what little energy I have left on actively looking for someone. I have a friend here who told me that she realized that she probably wasn’t going to find someone unless he was delivered to her door, like a pizza.
But add to this another thing, in my case: I find that my colleagues are *much* more anxious about my single state than I am. A couple in particular are constantly coming up with things I should be doing, which would be fine if it were in the context of me expressing dismay at being single. As it is, it’s like I’m going along with my life just fine on most days, then someone comes along and pathologizes me, and I start to wonder if I’m the one who’s wrong. And even though I know they’re well-intentioned, it just pisses me off, and makes me want to stay single out of spite.
How messed-up is that?
Isn’t the missing book called, “Why do I think I am nothing without a man”? I got it for the other half of my blog back in high school. But I’m fairly sure it’s out of print now. I’m not sure if she got anything out of it.
It’s sad that we’re so removed from self-empowerment and definitions of self beyond family relations. I wonder if the recession and its focus on personal relationships over professional has something to do with that or if it’s just one of the ebbs and flows of culture.
Ok, so one of the things that annoys me about wordpress is that I really like a pop-up comment thread. Can one make a pop-up comment thread in wordpress? Because I like the popping up. That said, I’m really liking wordpress other than that, a couple of days in
Not in the least because some of y’all who are commenting here I never saw over at my old place! Howdy! Yay that you’re commenting!
Lesboprof: Thanks for your comment. I agree that sabbatical is a big part of all this and YES we need to start a support-group! I’m sorry though that you and your partner are dealing with all of this, too. I like to fantasize that partnering would make me all well-adjusted and stuff. While it’s comforting to know that is NOT true, I feel bad for the partnered people (and their partners!) who have to deal with this introspective shit. What’s funny, though, is this feels *very* different from dissertating to me. This may be because I was partnered during the diss vs. not being now, but I also think it’s because as much as I’m feeling angsty about my current project, it’s not the same feeling of fraudulence and lack of qualifications. I feel a *lot* more confident about my scholarly self now than I did then, while I feel much *less* confident about my relationshippy self, if that makes sense. So while things over the past couple of weeks have been slow-going with the research, I don’t think that’s about me being an intellectual loser – I can accept that’s just part of my process. In contrast, during the diss I felt like I was a total intellectual loser, but I felt confident that I had the relationship stuff under control (even though that wasn’t really true… just what I thought).
Dame Eleanor – you are so not a smug married
And I really appreciated your comment. And I agree with you that the larger point is that we should just do things that make us happy. I suppose the thing that I struggle with is that I’m actually *really happy with the shape of my life in terms of myself* and so the whole “take a class” crap doesn’t speak to anything I actually want to do – it is just man-finding garbage, and that’s annoying. That said, I have wanted to learn how to knit for an age, and I do think I’m going to take that on this fall. Sure, I’ll likely only meet ladies through such an enterprise, but I will make lovely scarves! And afghans! And maybe, if I get good enough, sweaters! And dude: I’d rather learn how to make a sweater than meet a dude. Clearly my priorities are not those of the self-help books… Because who doesn’t love a lovely sweater?
DRD – YES.
LoaF – “Meeting yet another version of him usually makes me feel pretty good about being alone though. . .” TOTALLY. On the one hand I agree with you about the way that academia acculturates us to constant working, but I reject the whole “balance” thing. I think “balance” is a concept used to make women think that they should be doing everything perfectly all at once, “balancing” all the components like those people who balance spinning plates on poles without any of the plates dropping, and I think that fucks us up, too. It makes sense to me that if I’m trying to write a book that probably some other things are going to have to give. And I’m honestly ok with that fact. The whole “balance” thing seems to me a thing that makes us feel like we should feel guilty for choosing *not* to be totally fulfilled in each and every area. This logic is fucked up in the reverse when it comes to women who choose to focus more of their attention on motherhood, as one example. While I understand the criticisms of “choice” feminism, I also think that maybe we should acknowledge that the ideology of “balance” only makes women feel bad about themselves, rather than letting them enjoy their lives, however those lives are shaped.
Crazy Cat: Thanks for the comment. And I *do* get what you’re saying. But…. here’s the thing: the whole “if you stop looking, then magic will happen!” philosophy? That is something that the single among us have heard a thousand times. And you know what? It’s *really frustrating* when people insist that’s true, because it’s not really. I know lots of people who have stopped looking. Most of them have not stumbled upon their “true loves.” And, well, I don’t really believe in the concept of the “true love.” I know, all of that is cynical. And I know your comment came from a genuine place, so I don’t want you to feel like I don’t understand that. But seriously: if you ever encounter a single friend, or a single person online, who is bemoaning her state, saying, “if you just stop looking it will happen!” often isn’t terribly comforting to that person.
Notorious: Ok, the pizza delivery guy thing is hysterical to me, because when A. and I were like 20, we decided that we felt that the pizza delivery guy was *better* than any guy one might try to date. Why? 1. When you call him, he shows up in under an hour, no matter when you call him. He never “falls asleep by accident” and he never bails at the last minute. 2. He always brings food. 3. If he doesn’t show up in under an hour, you get food and you don’t have to pay him. And I get what you’re saying about the people who are more anxious about your single state than you are. In my case, it’s not my colleagues, who tend to think that I live some glamorous Sex and the City style life since I’m single. But it *is* my non-academic friends, such as J. who gave me the fucked up book. During VPW, with A. and J., I had to spend like 45 minutes explaining why I wasn’t being abused by being in the relationship I was in, and explaining why I chose that relationship and how it worked for me. And yes, that makes me want to stay single out of spite, too. Which is TOTALLY messed up.
What the fucke are you talking aboutte?
Nicoleandmaggie, you wrote:
“It’s sad that we’re so removed from self-empowerment and definitions of self beyond family relations. I wonder if the recession and its focus on personal relationships over professional has something to do with that or if it’s just one of the ebbs and flows of culture.”
I think what I’d say (I think, though this is just an initial reaction) is that the recession has reinforced a cultural backlash that’s been happening since the internet bubble burst – that now that jobs are scarce, the emphasis on family and partnership *is* greater. But I’d also say that I see this more in upper-middle-class sorts of contexts – whether we’re talking about straight contexts or GLBTQ contexts. In some respects, I think the move toward prioritizing “family” is a conservative gesture that operates as an alibi for the fact that both partners in a relationship can’t get/keep a job. And I do think that it affects women disproportionately – women are supposed to be home composting and raising chickens and making homemade organic baby food both to make their families “healthy” but also to keep them busy while they’re not out selfishly seeking validation through work outside the home, and they’ll save money to boot! And they’ll fix the planet!
What’s interesting about this, though, is that at the same time Obama is claiming that by 2020 we’re supposed to have 8 million more college grads…. So culturally we’re moving toward this emphasis on women opting out (though only after they get a college education?), while the political discourse is bemoaning the fact that more people aren’t able to opt in.
CPP – I like it when you click on “post a comment” or whatever and a separate box pops up, so that you can see the whole post in a separate window while commenting in a tiny comment box. But I feel like you’re being filthy in asking that question, and I refuse to engage with that part of it. So there.
That’s the fucken worstte. Blogger is a total fucken comments kludge. WordPresse doesn’t make you deal with that shitte, and has comments properly integrated into the fucken page.
“properly integrated” – blah. But I like to be able to scroll through the post and to look at it while I’m commenting. harrumpf.
Proper comment integration is very importantte.
Importantte? For serious?
I am adopting my own orthography. No shitte.
Language is a social discourse, homeslice. You can’t just pick an orthography. If you do, people will think you’re a douchebag. It’s a lot like the movie “Mean Girls” where Gretchen Weiners tries to make “fetch” happen. As Regina George so eloquently puts it, “Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen! ”
(See how I just made you Gretchen Weiners? That is hilarious to me.)
I canne spelle however I wantte! Who’s gonna stoppe me? People already thinkke I’m a fucken douchebagge. What, now they’ll thinkke I’m a double douchebagge?
Well. Either they’ll think you’re the most abysmal speller. Or they’ll think you’re dumb. Or they’ll think that you’re maybe the most irritating person in the WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Don’t hurt my feelings with your personal orthography, CPP. Why would you want to make me feel so bad? Don’t I have enough that hurts my feelings?
I agree with your criticism of “balance.” You’re absolutely right (and one of the reasons I don’t feel guilty that I am a horribly lazy cook. Something’s gotta give, and that’s one of those things for me). However, you absolutely *should* take up knitting, even if you’re writing a book and working loads, because you want to! Maybe we can’t have balance, as you say, we should be able to enjoy our lives, as we define that.
I also totally get the single-out-of-spite idea too. I hate hate hate when other people project their issues onto my personal/sex/love life, whether that’s creating a fantasy of my wild and crazy social life or trying to “fix” me and my manless state. And, the pizza delivery guy idea is hilarious.
I thought my idiosyncratic orthography wouldde cheerre you uppe!
“In some respects, I think the move toward prioritizing “family” is a conservative gesture that operates as an alibi for the fact that both partners in a relationship can’t get/keep a job. ”
This really rings true to me given my disciplinary background. For folks without tenure, a spouse, whether it be true love or not, provides important insurance in an uncertain job market for those with uncertain savings. Especially when we may be having to support our boomer parents rather than the other way around. In some sense both men and women these days are looking for Prince Charming, if not to rescue them, then at least to provide health insurance. Given the current jobs and education outlooks, it seems more like it will be Princess Charming doing the bulk of the providing.
(Apologies on the run-on sentences, Professor Crazy
j/k)
Pardon the double-dipping, but I want to add something to your response to Crazy-Cat, who I’m sure meant well: Count me as another single woman who hates that “when you just stop looking, it will happen” thing.
A few more things that grown-up single ladies *may* not find as comforting as you think:
“You just need to have a good attitude.”
“You’re too picky.”
“You should try using positive affirmations. Tell yourself that you already have the perfect man so the universe knows what to give you.”
And my all-time nonsensical favorite: “You just need to put yourself out there more.”
So what’s a partnered friend of a single person to do, if s/he wants to be supportive?
1. Don’t assume she’s unhappy just because s/he’s single.
2. Make time now and then to do things with her or him so s/he doesn’t feel abandoned by her married friends.
3. Give feedback and suggestions if she asks.
4. If your friend is open to meeting people and you know someone who you think might be interesting for him/her to meet, set up a small gathering where they can meet in a no-pressure situation. (Please note that “you’re both single” is not necessarily a good reason to try to set two people up.)
Our friends are important to us. Just be a friend.
Oh, well, CPP, if you were trying to cheer me up… Except DUDE!!!!! I’m an ENGLISH PROFESSOR!!!! FUCK YOUR OWN PERSONAL ORTHOGRAPHY THAT HURTS MY FEELINGS!!!!
(Though let’s note that the capital letters of shouting and outrage about spelling have, in fact, improved my mood. Thus, you were right! You did cheerre me uppe!)
ENGLISHE PROFESSORS KICKE ASSE!
OMG this:
“And then there’s the whole sticking with a relationship long past the point when it is clearly not working. We learn how to do that in graduate school, folks. And during the academic job search. And during the tenure-track. We think that sticking with something that is really painful is the right thing to do, and, further, we think that we are failures if we don’t stick with it. And then there’s the tendency to intellectualize everything. That’s not good.”
So true, so applies to so many areas beyond romantic relationships.
Comrade PhysioProf hath redde the blogue of Geoffrey Chaucer (houseoffame.blogspot.com).
Wow–so much here to comment on! I’m going through the same blahness right now myself–upcoming time off where I’m supposed to be working on my book, but instead am feeling alone, unmotivated, and kind of depressed by my seemingly endless status as single. But I do think that having more “balance” in my life is important. I understand your critique of that concept as it gets deployed against women–it’s often assumed that “balance” entails having a family/man/marriage and a job. And men in our society aren’t encouraged to seek “balance” in quite the same way. But I do think that I could benefit from a more well-rounded life. A life where I spent time on other pursuits and didn’t feel guilty about not working. (Especially now, when I’m really not working much at all, but am endlessly sitting in front of my computer trying to work and/or feeling bad about not accomplishing anything.) I guess when I hear the word “balance,” I don’t automatically think about husbands, children, and family (since I lack those things and am not sure I want them anyway).
On another note, have you read Barbara Ehrenreich’s “Bright Sided”? Some of the comments above (about how we all just need to have a positive attitude, and good things will come our way) reminded me of that.
OMG, Dame E. I’ve read that blog. Didn’t make the connection because I think of CPP as a science dood
Whatte is this fucken blogge you speakke of?
Reactions in brief:
1. Dr. Crazy, I agree with you on everything you said.
2. CPP is hilarious, whether intentionally or not. (I’m thinking intentionally, though.)
3. If you want to learn Arabic, I can give you recommendations for good textbooks. Not all Arabic textbooks are created equal by a damn sight.
4. You and CPP are BOTH hilarious. I’m sitting here at the bar, laughing like a tool at my computer while reviewing this absurd discourse.
Koshary – why in god’s name are you reading the comments on my silly blog at a BAR? Shouldn’t you be drinking motherfucking Jameson? (that’s what CPP would suggest you should be doing).
Happy Birthday!
Here’s wishing you all sorts of wonderful happiness in the coming year.
Happy Birthday. And the grade, if anyone asks, could only be an F or an I.
But yes, someone who gets all antsy about the professor is a bad risk.
As Notorious said, it’s much better to be alone with friends than “with” someone who doesn’t get you. And as we get older there is more of “us” to get — it’s not nearly as easy to try to fit in as it is in your 20s.
Susan – I find that the grade that most annihilates those who ask for a grade is a C+ – not unlike the reaction that actual students have. I know, I’m a horribly mean lady:)
According to what you say, the secret for a happy union is to share your life with someone who is exactly like you and, most important of all, whose profession is the same as yours. Only professors are able to understand the complexity of the academic world.
I am a successful academic but have never defined myself in terms of my job. I could have been a secretary, a baby sitter, an accountant: my self-perception wouldn’t have changed.
PS – I apologize for my basic English. I speak four languages and English is not my native tongue.
Apologies in advance for derailing– but Dr. Koshary, would you post (or e-mail) those recommendations for those of us who are not Dr. Crazy but have an interest in studying Arabic?
Back on-topic: I know you weren’t planning on traveling long or far, but can you take even a short trip, maybe to someplace you haven’t been before? I was feeling good and angsty week before last (Should I break up with grad school? Should I keep trying to make it better? Am I strong enough to get over wanting the internal validation that comes with having those three little letters?) and a 4-day trip to a brand-new place with novel things to see and experience did a lovely job of silencing all of that (for the time being).
And– Happy Birthday!
“According to what you say, the secret for a happy union is to share your life with someone who is exactly like you and, most important of all, whose profession is the same as yours. Only professors are able to understand the complexity of the academic world.”
Actually, I don’t think that at all. And I don’t think I actually wrote anything that indicates that this is what I think. On the other hand, I do think that my career is an important part of my identity, and I think that it does shape the way that people interact with me, in ways both positive and negative. I guess I think it’s disingenuous to suggest otherwise.
May, you’re misunderstanding Dr. Crazy’s point. She specifically said just the opposite.
Susan, the idea of assigning a grade of “I” nearly made me spew my coffee this morning.
Dr Crazy,
Of course I might be wrong.
But when you say: “I feel like there is this huge disconnect between the way my non-academic friends – and the non-academic world at large – conceive of this sort of stuff vs. the way that I do.”, it seems to me that you are dichotomizing people as I pointed out. Also, since people are taught to speak in politically correct terms, they would never express certain beliefs or preferences clearly. For example, we all agree that people’s outer appearance should not affect our judgement. Nonetheless it has been proved that we are very strongly influenced by one’s body shape, face traits, clothes, accessories. To go back to my point, I got the impression that, although it is not politically correct to say that we prefer to date people who are similar to us, if you put together the characteristics that we require, you often get a sort of double of our own self.
A lawyer or a physician would do. Not a salesman, probably.
I could go on and describe the little quirks (to say it politely) of the academics in detail if I hadn’t used already too much of your space and time.
I won’t deny that I structured my argument around a dichotomy, but that wasn’t in order to privilege one side of the dichotomy over the other. I was trying to think through my own position in relation to two sets of discourses – one set that is all about finding a man like it’s your job vs. another set that’s about devoting yourself to work at the expense of your personal life. I was not advocating for an academic way of approaching relationships over a non-academic way. In fact, I pretty clearly talked about commonplaces for academics as potentially bad.
For what it’s worth, I’ve only ever been romantically linked two academics, and of the two only really involved with one. Neither of them are in my field. Make of that what you will.
Oh lord, ditto on the coffee spewing for the grade of “I.”
May, what Dr Crazy feels is *what she feels.* And relationships are about feeling. If you don’t feel it for someone, you don’t feel it, that’s it. You can’t make yourself feel things you don’t feel And it is possible to analyze one’s feelings and figure out that certain things spark certain feelings. Many people are attracted to “people like themselves,” though what exactly that means might vary. In fact, there’s a lot of sociological and psychological evidence suggesting that happy relationships are more likely between similar people.
Dr. C,
I just wanted to chime in late here- I thought you were treated really unfairly on CM. I guess it proves once again that there so often seems to be a negative correlation between IQ and emotional intelligence. (sigh)
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